I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
