im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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