i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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