just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
