And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
