I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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