shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
