On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dicks are not precious.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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