I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
