Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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