The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
