I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
