i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
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If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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