got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.