i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
