Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
