M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This baby is an asshole
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
