she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
