Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
