If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
