How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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