Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
