I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I touched a dick in church today
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
