Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
