If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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