I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So here I am, sexting at work.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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