There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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