Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
