Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
