please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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