So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
