Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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