Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
