God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
