we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
