I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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