who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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