So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
