Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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