Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
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You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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