just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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