woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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