he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
