please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
