Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
