i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
