You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
