dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
