Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
