I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
