Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
