If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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