Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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