why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
